Fucked up...but i can change

I really did fuck up in life. i was doing everything without even blinking about the consequences. sure people look at me and find me friendly and easy to get along with but they dont really know me. im retarded. its really that simple, im an idiot that does stupid things and gets caught for being a retard. after what happened last night i promised to myself that im never gonna put anyone through what my mother went through ever again. i know im better than that and reflecting on my experience, this is a learning experience. or better yet this is a turning point in my life.

Honestly ive been away from god for a long while now. Ive been acting at church and it just killed me on the inside when i went to church and put on my Godly mask. what im like at church is completely different from who i really am. i mean im human but its just bad because of how i lie week in and week out. i cuss, i drink, i smoke,i steal, i do drugs...what the hell am i doing? How did i go from living an honest lifestyle praising god to being such a fuck up? i cant take this anymore and it just makes me cry to think about all those that look at me as a role model. im not a role model. i dont even deserve attention from all those that view me as their friend. All the younger kids that see me as someone they want to be like are just blinded. i fooled them too...i cant take it anymore

And fighting with my parents? im done with it. im honestly tired of rebelling, tired of fighting back. In the end as much as i hate to admit it, they're always right. ive known this for a while and now that i think about it, why do i fight it? its so much easier with people making decisions for you. just because i dont like it doesnt mean its bad. i guess its because im just too stubborn and prideful to let someone tell me what to do. well im done with it. im never going to disappoint them again.

But you know what i learned? God gives second chances,third chances,fourth chances, he'll give you as many chances as you need because he CANT let you go. this is a turning point in my life. from this day i promise not to take part in any of the things i listed above. ill try not to cuss, i wont drink, im going to quit smoking, i will never steal again, and i will stop doing drugs. Whatever it takes to gain my mothers trust back i will do it. whatever it takes to go to church with a guiltless heart, ill do it. whatever it takes to actually deserve to take on a role of a leader, ill do it. whatever it takes to prove to people that I CAN CHANGE, i WILL do it. i refuse to continue living my pathetic life as just some kid who thinks he owns the world. No i am just a part of the world and nothing in it is mine to claim. praise be to god for creating everything. my life, my friends, my parents, my enemies, my haters, my everything. without him nothing in this world would exist.

This is my confession and my testimony. Starting from having it all to losing it all. I began with a bright future but if i chose to continue my path in the direction im going in then my future doesnt exist. Ill prove to everyone that it is possible for anyone to change. ill prove it to them through my life.

I.
Will.
Change.